Sweat was running down my blouse, the beautiful tangerine coloured blouse I had bought just because he told me he loved the colour, my heart was beating loudly and my hands were shaking. I was hyper-ventilating. You know, that experience of wanting to cry so hard but the tears don’t come out and your voice just keeps breaking. I had lumps in my throat and I felt so weak I had to slump into the nearest chair. It had happened again. The first break up was just as bad. I thought I would never get through it. I thought I would never love again but I did…more intensely than the first time. Was I just so stupid that I couldn’t read the writing on the wall or was I just doomed to never find love? Could it be because I wasn’t good enough for any man to love or was there something spiritually wrong with me. To say the least, I was hurt beyond words. I had never considered myself beautiful but Ken had always assured me that to him I was the most beautiful woman. Did he lie? Did they both lie?
And to think that he couldn’t even break up with me in person, he had to do it over the phone. He just said to me ‘Susan, I’m sorry I can’t continue with this relationship anymore. I hope you find someone else soon.’ It was that simple for him. How did he guess that I would have just lost it? I don’t know if I would really have acted on my first impulse of smashing a bottle on his handsome face. Perhaps he knew I would be distraught enough to do that. Perhaps he had grown tired of my constant need for affirmation of my beauty from him. Perhaps he had finally decided that he was tired of seeing my flabby waistline and stretch marks. Perhaps he wasn’t satisfied with me. I didn’t even want to believe that the girl I saw in his car and confronted him over was the one he was leaving me for. Did I embarrass him by crying in public and telling him to tell her that I was the one he loved? Was she really his friend’s sister that had just come into abuja for the first time? Was I stifling him by always insisting he stay home with me rather than hang out with his friends? Did I scare him by always asking him if he really loved me? Was I too insecure? Was I doing it wrong over and over again in my relationships?
Break-ups are always difficult, especially for the one who had more hopes on the relationships. It raises so many questions and poses a big threat on your self esteem. No amount of tears makes it easier. You may develop dread for relationships and inability to trust again. Many say that guys who are ‘players’ are those who were dumped so harshly in the past. So it is like a cruel cycle, get back at other girls and use them to make up for the past hurts and vice versa. Some guy even drank a rat poison concussion because he got dumped.
I believe that the way you handle break-up depends largely on your self-esteem. If you have a healthy self esteem you are more likely to recover faster. However, no matter how we look at it, it is never fair on one party. You are probably going to marry someone who got dumped or dump someone who will get married to someone else. So the dumping game is inevitable. The problem is when it is a game and the bigger problem starts when the apple is eaten. A very wise person said, ‘don’t awaken love until it is time’ (Songs of Solomon 2:7 NLT). He had a very good point when he said that. That means love should be allowed to sleep and awoken at the right time and in the right circumstances. Don’t tell me that it wasn’t your fault you fell in love with a married man. Don’t even try to convince me that you didn’t know what he was before you fell in love with him. Think about it and be sure that you are ready for love and it’s consequences before you start. Also, remember to keep your heart with all diligence (Prov. 4:23 KJV). It is so fragile like an egg. Mind who you hand it over to. Don’t be like Susan.
Keep standing out…