Should I leave it in the Closet?

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This is for the ladies who carry so much emotional baggage around, hoping to make a new relationship work, wondering if you should reveal the skeletons in your cupboard or if you should just let them be. If you’ve never had emotional issues in the past then you may not be able to relate with this but if you’re one of those who have had so much to cry about in the past, who have been on the brink of suicide or have experienced untold hurts and pain from people you placed so much hopes on then you may feel at home reading this. I hope you find inspiration to make your next relationship work.

From childhood, Jane always felt there was nothing special about her. She wasn’t a bright kid, she had poor grades, couldn’t grasp simple arithmetics and didn’t feel good enough for anything. She wasn’t the kind of child anyone would see and smile at. She was simply plain Jane. To worsen matters, she had taken a liking to stealing. She would pilfer erasers, sharpeners, ribbons and pens in class. Somehow, she never got caught. She hated school but going home wasn’t something to look forward to either. Her mom would beat her for not getting an answer right in her homework or for some other reason such that she was miserable most of the time.

Then, Erastus, her dad’s second cousin came to live with them. He was a second year University student. He would slap her butt playfully when no one was looking and when she told him to stop he would tell her he was only playing with her. One day, he caught her stealing money from her mother’s purse. That was the day everything changed for Jane. He threatened to tell her mom if she refused to do whatever he wanted. She was so afraid that she gave in. She was only twelve when the abuse started.

Jane grew up feeling so worthless. She hated mirrors because everytime she saw her image in the mirror, she was reminded of how worthless she was. Her low self esteem degenerated into self pity, resentment and anger. Sometimes she would just stare into thin air for minutes. She felt she had nothing to lose anymore and started sleeping around at a very young age. Somehow she finished school, became a strong Christian and carried on with her life. None of her relationships ever lasted long. She couldn’t understand why they were so quick to dump her after hearing the sad story of her life after all she was doing whatever they wanted. Why couldn’t they love her and forgive her past? It wasn’t her fault she was abused, was it?

For years, Jane struggled with her pain and rejection. She finally met this man that seemed to be her dream come true. After a couple of dates, he told her he loved her. She was so relieved to hear him say that. It wasn’t long before she started to tell him the story of her life. What she saw in his eyes was not pity or empathy, rather he looked repulsed. He stiffened and loosened his embrace. He had to pick up his mom from church, he said and zoomed off rather quickly.

Within the next few weeks, Jane barely heard from him and cried her heart out for days. I tried to console her and pull her out of her depression as much as I could. Now it’s not normally my style to be blunt but… I told her that she has to be healed from her past hurts first before starting any relationship. My take on this is that it is not necessary to start broadcasting your issues to your date at the early stage of your relationship except if it is something that is still ongoing or likely to come up in the future. Besides why are you still carrying such a heavy burden around? Why heap it on someone else and expect him to carry it for you? Ask God’s forgiveness, forgive yourself and move on and if there is still any burden to be carried then hand it over to him. He promises to bear your burdens for you. You cannot keep dwelling in your past. It is true that something bad happened to you but your past does not define your present. If you doubt it, ask the great men and women who had terrible pasts too. Read Paula White’s or Donnie McClurkin’s story and you will understand. Let what happened in the past stay in the past. Time heals all wounds, they say and it is true. The wounds may heal and leave a scar. Just as the warrior proudly displays his scars, let that scar be a reminder that you are a  survivor. As much as you can, be an encouragement to someone else in your shoes.

If you want to make your relationship work then please leave that baggage in the closet and enter your new relationship free and positive. Love yourself and live in your present. If your views are different from mine then please I’d love to hear them. Just leave your comments in the comment box. Cheers!


8 thoughts on “Should I leave it in the Closet?

  1. Tosin says:

    No one moves forward by hanging unto the past. unless she is engaged to a guy, i don’t think she should tell him about her past. Even when she is engaged to a man,she should just give him a hint of whatever happened not full details. Not all men can deal with a not so cool past. Jane should also open up and seek counselling ,this will help start the healing process.

    I still believe that there is man out there who will accept her and cherish even with that past. No great man walks without a limp. Their limps might be different but they have all gone through some hard things in life. Nevertheless, limps/scars proves that they are survivors…just like you said

  2. imperfectlyperfect92 says:

    Like Michelle Hammond said in one of her books-“what happened in your past is between you and your God,resolve it with your God and move on,you don’t need to spill it all to your man,tell him vague details,ie,I was in d world b4,now am saved and move one”
    Its in d past,and once God has resolved it and forgiven you,then there’s no need to carry that baggage around.

  3. giantsparkle says:

    My take on this is as you rightly put it… ” it is not necessary to start broadcasting your issues to your date at the early stage of your relationship except if it is something that is still ongoing or likely to come up in the future”… However, i would say that it is important to come clean at the appropriate time and to me, that time should be well into the relationship but before marriage. If you trust this person and you know that you guys are serious and heading towards marriage, then he should know of everything. Take Hosea’s example, she (his wife) was a woman of loose morals and he knew even before he married her. The kind of love we should all portray and encourage others to as well is the type he portrayed. He loved her in spite of her faults. That is Unconditional love. If a man cannot love you despite the mistakes you made in the past, then what happens if you make a mistake in the future, during the marriage??

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