Last first date – An Exciting Meet

Young Couple Drinking Wine

You all probably know by now how much I love hearing love stories, about how meeting a stranger blossoms into something beautiful and lasting. After all, every friend you have today was once a stranger but by sharing certain interests and getting involved in each other’s lives, that one-time stranger quickly becomes a part of your life.

I’m always interested in the ‘first meet’ part of every love story. It’s amazing to hear about how a man bumped into a lady and helped her pick up her books that fell and got scattered on the floor. One thing led to another and they fell in love and lived happily ever and after. I know I’ve seen that a lot in movies but does it happen in real life? I mean, out here in the real world we seem to meet that ‘special someone’ in least expected places like; on the road (under the scorching sun), or at the ATM point (where you were waiting impatiently for your turn) or….. the market. Okay, before I go spilling the beans again, my girl, Tosin met that ‘special someone’ at a least expected place and she dished it all right out to me. When I read her mail, I was just about to eat my fried yam and stew which I had been longing for all day. Here’s how it went. Hear it right from her. My own words are in brackets and italics.

Hi Femmetotale,

I commented on your post about the “last first date” and you asked me to share my experience and here it is.

This happened around 4yrs back when I was still in the University. I came around from school to visit my cousin in Ibadan. I cannot remember the incident word for word but I remember the encounter vividly. Biko! don’t laugh too much. (Ok, girl you know when you tell someone not to laugh too much it automatically gets them laughing. 🙂 )

My cousin had gone to work and I was left alone at home. I was so bored that I decided to spice up my day. I went to Sango market to buy some foodstuffs. I also decided to buy some CD’s at a stand and that was how I met this guy. (Oooooohhhh….this is the part I so love to hear about… how they met… I’m all ears!)

We got talking about movies. I realised he was an avid movie watcher just like me. He sounded so nice and we exchanged numbers. He called me the next day and this was when the drama started. While we were talking, something led to another and I told him I had not yet taken my bath. He scolded me and told me to go and bath joor.

Then the shocker came. He said, “I don’t want to go out with a smelling girl”. * Jaw drops* Did I hear this guy correctly? He just said I was smelling! (HUH? WHAT!!!!! Babes, I don’t think your jaw dropped as low as mine. Even my mum would scold my brothers for telling their sister that she’s smelling. It’s a big cultural ‘no no’)

Foolish me, I overlooked that language. I didn’t know it was a sign of more to come. We continued talking and we agreed to meet in an eatery. I cleaned up and got dressed, hoping to have fun with my new date. *rolling my eyes*. On getting to the eatery, I called him to come out to meet me but he asked me to come inside. I hate looking all around for my first dates in an unfamiliar place. (A guy I was talking to recently actually said that only a girl that doesn’t know her worth goes to search for the guy on a first date. He should be the one to come out and search. I didn’t particularly agree with him then but Tosin’s story is making me wish I had.) I insisted so he agreed to come out. He called me that he was outside but I couldn’t still see him. We kept talking on phone till I located him. Just before he dropped the call, I heard something like Olodo! Gbam! The second shocker! Olodo ke, I don enter am today! (Okay, at this point my jaw dropped so low that the yam I was about to eat fell out of my mouth. WHAT???)

We went inside, made our orders and settled down. Then another drama started.

# Part 1) He asked to see the contents of my purse and I refused. Then we started dragging my purse together and when I would not release it he became pissed. (No comments on this one. What was he hoping to see in the bag, biko?)

# Part 2) We continued eating and chatting. All of a sudden, he asked to see my stomach!  “Stomach ke! Inside eatery, see my life o!” I blatantly refused and he was even more pissed.

# Part 3) I still stayed and we kept talking. Then he asked, “Who even told you that you are beautiful?” Ehn see question…. I didn’t still take offense. I smiled and told him that I have friends and families who compliment me. He gave me a mocking expression and said, “You are not fine. You are just OK.”

*Alarm bells sounding in my head* That was the last straw. I said to myself, “This is the last day you will ever see me!!!!”

I kept my cool and decided to leave few minutes later. You know another shocking thing? He wanted me to go home with him! Insult upon injury! Of course, I bluntly refused. (Okay, this is the one that just makes me mad. Why would you meet someone and ask her to go home with you on the same day? Even oyibos keep it simple till the third date except she’s the one that invited you to her place. Ladies, please help me out here!)
Some days later, he sent me a text that I didn’t even call or text him. He said “It’s so sad because it shows he didn’t mean anything to me.”

“Argggh! Call fire! He even had the nerve to get in touch after all that.”

Every girl I told the story to was angry with me for putting up with such nonsense.

Femmetotale, I am sure if you were my mother or elder sister, you would have beaten me for even taking such. (hahahahahaha… nope, I wouldn’t have beaten you. I’d have asked you why you didn’t call me immediately to come and take you away from there. Lolz…) Anyways, I am wiser now o! 

Tosin Florence Eyebiokin


We’ve all had to sit through bad dates before but this guy takes the cake. When I read about Tosin’s experience, at first, my jaw dropped and then dropped lower and then got shut cos I was mighty pissed. I sense that the guy is uncultured and just plain abusive and I pity the girl who will have to live through that for the rest of her life. The first ‘no no’ was telling the girl that she was smelling. Ok, I know guys you’re very close to can get away with that but not someone you’ve just met. The last straw that broke the camel’s back for me was when he told her that she wasn’t beautiful. I mean, who does that? Some people deserve to be put in that place that starts with the letter Z, kai! Anyways, thank God you were able to escape on time before he did more damage on you.

Ladies, I hope you could relate with Tosin’s experience. I sure did. Tosin is an amazing blogger and she blogs at www.chavivas.blogspot.com. You know that feeling you get when you’re walking by the brooks at dawn? That’s how her writing makes me feel… peaceful. You should go check out her blog.

Do have a splendid week and don’t forget to keep being complete.

Femmetotale.

PS: Last First Date is still up! Remember you can share your own bizarre dating experience with us. Just send a mail to alicia_davids@yahoo.com

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Last first date – Blind Date Gone Bad

Young couple in cafe

It’s happened to the best of us. It’s happened to me too. Any girl in the dating zone will tell you she’s been on one or two blind dates in her life. Wondering what I mean by blind date? Don’t worry I’ve been there before too. I remember hearing about a blind date and wondering if she went on a date with a blind guy. Awwww… touching! I also remember thinking, so we still have girls with hearts of gold like that… Well, I soon found out that a blind date is not about going on a date with someone that can’t see but simply going a date with someone you’ve never met in person.

We’ve heard fairytales about two strangers that went on a ‘blind date’, fell in love and lived happily ever after. Some say it was love at first sight, some say they hit it right off when they met and some say they knew they’d be perfect together the moment they met. With facebook and other social media, blind dates have practically become a normal thing cos who’s to tell if the guy you’ve been chatting with on facebook is really the one in his profile picture? So many classic romantic tales have been spurn around ‘blind dates’ and everybody loves a little bit of romance, right? Okay, so imagine my delight when my dear friend, Victoria told me about her blind date who just came into the country and couldn’t wait to meet her. What could be more romantic than that? Well, let’s find out how the date went right from her. I’m trying not to spill the gist myself 😀 My own words are in brackets. Enjoy!

He just got back into Nigeria and had climbed seven mountains to get my number from my friend. So I felt what’s the worst thing that could happen, abi? I had heard tales of how handsome and  funny he was (two points for him already) so I was kind of looking forward to our meeting.

I met him at the hotel he was staying and we proceeded to an eatery not far from there. We chatted for a little while and then ordered. He ordered for oha soup and eba, I think I ordered for rice I’m not so sure now. He didn’t do anything yucky like talk with his mouth full or anything. (Okay, this is the part I really dread! What’s with guys and talking with their mouths full? One point for him, sweetz…he’s passed this part!)

What made me write this piece was what he did after. He washed his hands in the bowl, then put some water in his mouth and rinsed it. I mean gurgled the water like you would when brushing your teeth, with his face up and everything. (What!!! :O Did you say gurgled? I withdraw my one point!) Hmmm… wait, there’s more. He used the water to wipe his lips then shook his hands to dry the water off. Finally he took the serviette to complete what he had started. I just sat there, looking at him. (Sorry, sweetz, where did you say that guy came back from, the desert?) 

I didn’t know what to do really, thinking back now I hope I wasn’t staring. I was too embarrassed to check if other people had witnessed what I just saw. Of course, I had to suffer through it all till he got the bill. The amazing thing is, he didn’t even know what he did was a big ‘no no’. I thought it was over until the bill came. Ladies, he asked the waiter to wait while he crosschecked the bill with her, making sure no naira was lost. At the end of it there was an overshoot of about N40 or so, which he demanded for of course. And no, he did not tip the waiter. (hahahahaha…he had to make sure the waiter wasn’t stealing him blind. You’ve got to hand it to the guy naaa….he was being financially prudent.)

-Victoria

Blind date….hmmmm…I guess sometimes you’ve got to just have faith and take a blind leap. Thanks for sharing with us, Victoria. You sure made me have a good laugh this morning. 

Femmetotale

 

PS: Last First Date is still up! Remember you can share your own bizarre dating experience with us. Just send a mail to alicia_davids@yahoo.com

Last first date – Oil and Water

Mixed race couple having coffee in cafe

Every lady needs a little bit of inspiration laced with plenty fun every day. I’m all about fun and inspiration so here’s a little fun to start your week with. Read on and enjoy with me. 

Remember I mentioned that I was starting a new column under my Memoirs of a Single Christian Chic called Last First Date? Okay, so here it is. I promise not to make you laugh so much that you’ll crack your ribs but just keep your doctor’s number handy…lol. Guys, I really wonder if you make these dating blunders when you do them on purpose. Trust me there are lots of unpardonable things we see on a first date that definitely marks it out as the last.

Some things just don’t get along well with each other. Take oil and water as an example, you can mix them together and shake as hard as you like but they’ll never become friends…..or will they? Let’s find out!

Okay, so I was in Abuja for a short visit and I met a friend’s friend who seemed pretty ‘civilized’ so I freely gave him my number when he asked. I remember wondering if there was something a little off about him but I quickly dispelled those concerns. He was quite normal except for his bloodshot eyes which I guessed could have been from anything including fatigue. He told me to expect his call and I was okay with that. A couple of days later, he called and asked to meet up.

Yours truly had a couple of beautiful new dresses I couldn’t wait to try out. I finally settled for the sea-green one with flowery patterns and a pair of pale brown heeley sandals. I knew the sandals weren’t too comfy but I decided to brave it cos those were my favourite pair and I had noticed he had a nice car the day we met.

He didn’t pick me up. He called at 5:30 and said I had to meet him up somewhere cos there was traffic. I wasn’t too familiar with the way and expressed my reservations, without adding that I was sure to get mighty blisters on my feet before I got to where he was. Anyways, so I finally made it to the area and called. The networks must have had some conspiracy against me that day cos it took me over 20 minutes of standing on the road before I finally got through to him. He was very apologetic, said he had been trying my number too and he was somewhere nearby. I was mildly relieved. At least someone was going to rescue me from my tired feet.

It was another thirty minutes of trying to locate each other that we met. Because I wasn’t very familiar with the area I was unable to give an accurate description of where I was and I couldn’t locate where he was either. Just when he was about to give up and turn back I suddenly saw him and breathed a huge sigh of relief. It was already getting dark and apart from the embarrassment of dressing up for nothing I was also tired and almost frustrated. I was really relieved to see him and I was just about to say so when he said something about my having wasted much of his time, in a very angry tone. I apologized. He hissed and asked me to get into the car on a softer tone. I ignored the slight irritation and got in.

He became nicer. He asked me how my day had been and if I was enjoying my visit. It had been nice so far, I said and relaxed. The traffic hadn’t eased up but he had a shorter route to our destination and in ten minutes he said we were close.

“Where are we going?” I couldn’t resist asking.

“Oh, it’s just close by. You enjoy eating soup, right?” He asked.

“Yes,” I actually enjoy eating soup and it seemed okay to me.

“I’m not really into all these fried rice and chicken stuff people buy in fast food joints,” he continued. “Once you eat eba or pounded yam, you’ll know you have really eaten.”

I nodded as I concurred with him.

He continued, “Baby I really like you oh! You’re just my type (oh..oh…warning bells….I mean, who talks like that?). I just like this your skinny stature (more warning bells!). You’re even looking more skinny and appetizing in this your green dress, like a mermaid! (no more warning bells…real alarm blaring).”

“What did you just say?” I was hoping I didn’t hear him correctly.

“Never mind,” he laughed. “We’re almost there. I hope you like Afang soup? This Calabar woman, she knows how to make it very well with plenty meat and fish. You will enjoy it!”

“Calabar woman? What kind of place is it?” I was getting worried about his attitude. He hadn’t seemed that way the day we met.

“You like intercontinental dishes naa? Don’t worry, you will love it.” He said and pulled the car to a stop in front of a plaza.

I came down from the car, dreading walking in those heels again but like most other girls, of course I bore it. I looked around and asked, “Where’s the place?”

“Oh, it’s just here,” he said, pointing towards his left. I couldn’t really see any building with neon lights or at least a large sign but I walked behind him. We got to the place and he walked in, motioning for me to go in too.

The shock didn’t register immediately. I was still wondering if he wanted to pick up something from someone. Then it started creeping in. Did I dress up in my pretty dress and heels just to go eat in a ‘buka’? (eyes popping…). “Is this the place?” I asked, ignoring the sinking feeling in my tummy.

“Yes, Mama Ekaete makes Afang soup veeeerrryy well! Leave all those nonsense they make in restaurants. After eating her food, you will never eat Afang soup anywhere else.”

In order not to seem rude, I walked in with him and sat on the rusted chair, praying earnestly that my dress won’t rip off when it was time to stand up.

He made orders for both of us and I told him that I wasn’t really hungry as I had just eaten before leaving the house. I couldn’t tell him that the numerous flies perching on the table had stripped me of my appetite. “Baby, that time you wasted on the road eh, I was very hungry and it even increased the hunger for me.”

I pursed my lips and refrained from apologizing. Matter of fact, I felt I was the one who deserved an apology for dressing up to go on a date with him.

The food arrived and he ordered a malt drink for me. I couldn’t tell what irritated me most – the flies buzzing in my ears or the sound from his mouth as he smacked his lips while sucking out every bit of flesh from the fish he was eating and dropping the bones on the table. He spoke as he ate, “Baby, I’m sure you’re very sweet, sweeter than this Afang soup. Shebi you will follow me home this night?” he said, and attempted something like a wink.

That was it!!! I had had enough. I couldn’t stand one more minute of that. I walked out of the place, determined to go as far away as possible from him, my anger overshadowing the pain in my feet.

That was definitely a last first date! Surely, oil and water don’t mix…they just don’t.

Have  a blessed week!

Femmetotale

 

PS: Have you had any similar experience? Please share your experience with us. I can’t wait to hear yours too. Just inbox me on alicia_davids@yahoo.com. Cheers!

 

 

You’re not so special

Memoirs of a Single Christian Chic

peplum dress

Someone once put up a funny pic that said, ‘there are over six billion people in the world and you think you’re special. Quit thinking everything is about you’. Ok, I found that entertaining and very thought provoking. Sometimes when I start falling into that me-hole, I quickly remind myself that everything is not about me and I should try not to be so self-centered at times. If this was what my post was all about then that would be very simple. Unfortunately, it is not. Someone carefully put those words together in his head and said them to moi. You wan know the gist? Ok, na… will dish it all out in a short while.

Ok, so I walk into my bank this bright Monday morning, looking very delectable and charming. Before you ask me why I’m judging how I look by myself, let me just pause and tell you why I know so. First, when I woke up this morning, I was really happy, more like really excited. It was one of those my emotional-high, upbeat mornings. I just bought this beautiful champagne-coloured peplum dress a couple of days ago and I couldn’t wait to match it with my nude shoes and maroon clutch. Suffice it to say I know I look good. My hair is packed in a cute pony tail and my make-up is on point. I enter the bank with an extra bounce in my step and a confident smile on my lips not just because I know I’m looking beautiful but also because of the money I’m about to receive from my sister through Moneygram. The lady banker says to me, ‘You look nice,’ (don’t you just love it when a lady tells you that you look nice? I mean, a guy can say it a thousand times but it can never trump the feeling of a girl who knows what’s up saying the same to you) and I beam with smiles, patting my head slightly to stop it from swelling as I say thank you. After explaining my mission to her she asks me to sit and wait for a while cos their network is a bit slow. I’m not in a hurry so I sit down in the lobby looking around me, still in a gay mood.

That’s when I notice him looking at me. He’s wearing a red polo shirt on baggy jeans (does anybody still wear those these days?) with a chain hooked to the left side of the jeans (you know the Tupac or DMX kindda thing) and brown boots. I look away and turn back in a few seconds to find that he’s still staring at me. He breaks away from the queue waiting to be attended to and starts walking towards me. I’m silently begging God, ‘Please don’t let it be that he’s coming to talk to me!’ I have a bad feeling about this one and …it get’s worse.

He takes the seat beside me. I tell myself to relax. It may not be what I’m thinking. Oh, but how very wrong I am for he smiles at me, revealing very crooked, stained teeth. “Baby, hello,” he says. I practically stop myself from rolling my eyes and just reply, “Hi.” I’m looking at the lady processing my stuff, willing her to be fast. She seems very busy and of course oblivious to my plight.

He clears his throat and fidgets in his seat. He clears his throat again and shifts his seat closer to mine. He’s smelling of sweat, like he hasn’t washed that shirt in seven days of heavy use. I have to be polite so I say nothing. He clears his throat the third time and smiles at me. Then he says, “Baby you would have been very beautiful if not for these pimples on your face.”

Woah! Wait a minute…did I hear right? Yea, that really got me too!  “What did you say?” I’m hoping I didn’t hear him right but he repeats himself, even pointing at the parts of my face where the blackheads were obvious. Ok, let me again pause and state that my face is not like your regular bathing sponge abeg. Maybe I have a few blackheads here and there but who doesn’t? I have never been overly self-conscious of the pimples on my face. In fact, my mom used to tell me that pimples make you look more beautiful (don’t tell me my mom lied). “Be nice and slow to speech,” I tell myself not to get angry and remember my word for the day. He that hath knowledge spareth his words (insert *she* and *her* appropriately): and a man of understanding is of an excellent spirit. Prov 17:27

I’m still looking at him incredulously when he goes further to say, “But baby, seriously I can tell you what you can use to remove all these pimples on your face.” I put away my disgust for a minute and actually listen. He may have a lasting solution to my pimple issues. He continues, “Baby, have you tried using Nixoderm?”

OMG! This is too much for me to bear. Did I dress up this morning only to come and get insulted this way? I try to control my irritation as I say to him, “Nixoderm is used for excema’s not pimples.”
“I know,” he says “but it also works very well for pimples.”  I can give it to you to use.

I think I’ve reached my limit and I really need to get out of there. I need a very concrete reason to get up so that he doesn’t follow me. I’m wishing my phone will start ringing or that the lady will suddenly say my money is ready. Luckily, I see someone I know walking into the banking hall and I stand up to greet her. He stands too and says, “Baby if you don’t mind you can give me your number. I will bring the Nixoderm for you.”

“Sorry I have to go,” I say. That was when he flared up. “Who do you even think you are? Are you Dangote’s daughter? Why are you treating me as if I am rubbish? I may even be your husband tomorrow? (I mutter ‘God forbid’ under my breath) “You think you are so special!”
“Sorry, I have to talk to my friend,” I say and zoom off faster than lightening. Fortunately, just as soon as I’m done talking to my old friend, my name is called and my money handed over to me. Hmm…deep breath, quick escape before he chases after me.

I can’t even dignify this experience with a thought. How annoying can some guys be, abeg? I’m just going to add it to my memoirs and have a good laugh when I read about it in the future. I wonder what my kids will say when they get to read my memoirs one day…lol.

Femmetotale

NB: For those saying that Nixoderm may actually work on pimples, I have to point out that it’s not the whole point for this post. I mean since when did commenting on the pimples on a girl’s face become a good pick-up line? Biko someone needs to compile a book on witty pick-up lines for guys. This thing is getting too much abeg.

Have you had any such ridiculous encounters with guys and their clumsy pick-up lines? Please share.

Menscapade

Memoirs of a single christian chic…

Is it the computer or jet age thingy or the fact that everything has just changed, or the world coming to an end or what?

First of all, take a long hard look at this picture and please don’t laugh too much!

crazy guys
Yes oh! Guys are now sooo into the sagging/drop waist fashion. It is no longer for women only. Anyway, that is not what my post is about. I’m just getting your mind ready for it. The fact is that the world is radically different from what it was a decade ago. And I’m not just talking about science and technology. I’m talking about the human components themselves. Societies have changed, people have changed, even culture has evolved. Things have really changed. What was unheard of in the past is now normal. Hmm….men and their menscapades. I mean…just take another look at that picture.

Ok, down to the juicy part, this single chic decided to go on a little field trip, step out of her comfort zone and embark on some menscapades. Still trying to figure out what that means??? Abeg no fall my hand…just separate the two words – men and escapades…get the meaning now? Anyway, I’ve always lived a simple christian life, letting people know who I am…a serious don’t-mess-around-chic who’s got values and principles. Recently, I decided to loosen up a bit you know, do all the colour blocking, gum chewing, batting of false eyelashes and tomato red lips thingy. Hehehehehe… those that know me are seriously wondering how true it is, just wait till you hear the menscapade part before your eyes get wider than saucepans and don’t ask me if it was one of my new year resolutions. Okay, as part of the loosening up, I decided to start smiling at everybody that says hello to me…yea normal chics do that right? Anyways, the result was alarming and gave me the inspiration for this topic. I shudder as I write this and I’m tempted to say men…tufiakwa! You mean things like this happen in the world?

black-man-cheating

Ok, the gist… A man walked into my colleague’s office while I was using his computer and I offered him a seat to await my colleague’s return from lunch. It was all good at first and while I was pretending to be very busy (though I was in fact playing zuma…my favourite game), he started chatting with me. Well, I smiled politely and answered him each time. Then he asked for my number and I gave it to him. I saw the look, I had my suspicion but I decided to ignore it, after all it was supposed to be official. In fact I forgot all about it until later that evening when I received a call from him. He started rambling about how he saw me and decided that I was just right for him and he would like to have me. Na normal gist abi? Wait for it…

Trust me, maybe it is my training but I always like to not assume things so I had to ask…’You want to have me? Exactly what do you mean?’ And he said, ‘you know now…you are a matured lady. I just want you to come to my house let us have fun together. Don’t worry, I will treat you very well and do wonderful things to you, you will enjoy me.’

WHAT! Ding…ding…ding…ding…this one no be laughing matter oh. I can just imagine my sister shouting ‘Holy Ghost ei! You mean men are becoming this bold? That brought me to the next question, ‘Ah! Ah! Are you not a married man sir?’ (Yea, now you know why this is making headlines) And he said, ‘forget about that one. That is not the issue. The fact is that I am lonely and I need you to help me. Please just do this thing for me…I can’t wait to have you…I promise you will enjoy me…I will take care of you’. So, politely, I said to him, ‘I’m sorry sir but I’m not that kind of girl. I am decent and I do not indulge in such.’ And he said, ‘I know. That is why I want you. I don’t want all these girls that are available, offering themselves to me. You are very decent and that is why I want you.’ My mouth was just as agape as yours.

Is someone wondering why I was still on the phone for close to an hour with him? Well, I guess I may have been in too much shock. In fact my fingers were numb and I only revived them long enough to put it on mute and activate the speakerphone. It had the desired effect cos he kept cutting the line himself, calling back and apologizing for the network failure to my amusement.

I’m still shaking my head in disbelief. I say the world is coming to an end oh! This man was not even deterred by my decent dressing that day and by decent I mean I was wearing a three-quarters long black skirt and a pink long-sleeved shirt, decent but nice. It was quite disturbing to me. I don’t know whether it was the fact that he was not interested in honouring the life-long contract he signed up for with his wife or the boldness with which he stated his purpose that was more alarming. All I could think about was the wife somewhere raising their kids.

I guess I may have to delete the whole smiling and being nice thing from my new year resolutions. At least I would be saving myself a lot of headaches. How do the ‘aristos‘ manage abeg? Anyway, end of story…I cut him off on his second sentence when he called he the next day with, ‘I’m sorry sir but I have told you that I am not interested in any form of relationship with you. I will appreciate it if you don’t ever call my number again with such a proposition!’ (in my meanest voice) Chikina! It was that simple. That was the end of it!

NB: Do you have your own menscapades that you are willing to share? Please do so, let’s laugh along with you…lol

femmetotale…