For Single Ladies: 5 men you must never say yes to!

© Copyright 2015 Corbis Corporation

I feel pretty nostalgic writing this post especially at this time of the year when single ladies everywhere are busy getting their groves on, searching for their Mr. Right. In this part of the world, this festive season everyone knows how common it is for girls to look prettier than KimK herself, wear exotic hairstyles and expensive dresses just to get all the attention and who knows they just might get one moneybag straight from Yankee with enough dough to sponsor a celebrity Introduction/Traditional Wine-carrying ceremony, all before the year comes to an end. I mean, I’m sitting here with a mischievous smile on my face thinking of stuff I’d probably have been doing right now while appearing to be celebrating Christmas and the end of the year along with everyone else. Yeah, I’m out of that stage now and with the benefit of hindsight and of course experience I can easily write stuff like this.

Ok, so you are getting all the attention you craved for when you were fixing your expensive hair but here’s a list of the 5 men you must not say yes to this season.

© Copyright 2012 CorbisCorporation

2. Vain Vincent: This is the type of guy that is basically in love with mirrors. He stops to check out his reflection whenever you pass by a mirror or a glass door. His beard is always neatly groomed, his clothes impeccable, his sunshades designers and on his neck a gold chain. He’s always asking you, “how do I look?” and never pays you a compliment no matter how beautiful you look. It’s almost as if he’s the female in the relationship and he’s not even gay, he’s just vain. If you’re looking for a man to say yes to this season, Vain Vincent is certainly not that guy. You’re probably going to spend the rest of your life telling him how cute he is and not expect him to tell you how cute you are too. Not only that you should also expect that your family budget will project a higher amount for his clothes and accessories than your feeding!

2. Brutish Bamidele: This one is certainly the kind of guy you shouldn’t say yes to unless you are skilled in martial arts and you probably have a black belt. He’s always violent, always has a pack of cigarettes in his car, quarrels with keke drivers on the way, always reeks of alcohol, never concedes an argument no matter how wrong he is, says things like “women talk too much… they deserved to be thrashed to keep them in their place”, calls his mother a whore, verbally abuses his sisters and is so possessive when it comes to you that he’s ready to beat up any guy he sees hanging around you. Of course when he’s with you, he’s generally nice, pays you compliments and treats you like you are the centre of his world. He tells you all other women are sluts and you are so different. He tells you he cannot live without you and buys you beautiful gifts. Once in a while he hits you when he’s angry and tells you it is your fault for getting him angry. Then he buys you gifts and begs you not to leave him or he will surely die. Brutish Bamidele is a brute in every sense of the word and you are not the one to tame him if his mother couldn’t. Stop giving yourself stupid reasons for considering saying yes to him unless you don’t mind sentencing yourself to a lifetime of abuse.

3. Egoistic Emeka: If there is anyone you should avoid saying yes to then it is Egoistic Emeka. He’s the guy that believes everything should revolve around him. He’s only happy when the discussion is about him. He’s not really vain he just has a big ego. He’s very self-centered and doesn’t mind how much he’s going to inconvenience you just to have his needs met. He’s only in a good mood when you praise him, talks about his dreams and achievements without paying a listening ear to yours, becomes angry whenever you receive a commendation or award at work, is extremely competitive and doesn’t mind keeping you awake through the night complaining about his colleague at work who seems to have an edge over him, dominates every conversation with tales of his prowess, remains moody when you get something he desires until you hand it over to him and sulks when he doesn’t get his way. If you are in a relationship with Egoistic Emeka then you should think of calling it quits now before it is too late unless you don’t mind stroking someone’s ego for the rest of your life. Men generally have big egos but when it is such that he is highly insecure then it is very unhealthy and will pose issues for you in the future.

4. Inconsistent Ignatius: This one never holds down a job. He has great dreams and thinks his bosses are all worthless and if he were to see just one million naira he’ll start up his dream business and in no time they will be calling him “Sir”. He always knows how best things should be done, speaks articulately, has dreams of grandeur and talks about how much money he’s going to have soon without ever working hard at anything. He has very bad money habits, keeps borrowing money from you and can even gamble with his last dime. He’s always optimistic about how much he’s going to make from an imaginary deal and yet never achieves anything. His dreams change every now and then. Today he’s so sure he wants to own a computer center and tomorrow he wants to be a footballer. He let’s you pay for everything you do together, cabs, dinners and even recharge cards. Unless you’re ready to be the one to foot all the bills in that relationship and be the breadwinner when you get married you have no business dating a guy like Inconsistent Ignatius.

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5. Slutty Sule: Ok I know the word slutty is normally used to describe lose females but there are some guys that flirt so much that they deserve to be called sluts. Slutty Sule is the typical nice guy. He knows exactly how to please a lady. He buys you gifts, sends romantic text messages, leaves roses at your doorstep, opens the car door for you to enter, pulls out the seat for you when you go out and gives a listening ear when you are speaking. On the face of it, Slutty Sule seems to be the perfect guy but something tells you that you’re not the only woman in his life. One minute he’s telling you how much he loves you and wants to spend the rest of his life with you and the next he’s staring at one yellow paw-paw that struts past him never mind that she may not even be as pretty as you. He’s always carefully guarding his phone, answering calls from different girls and smelling of different feminine perfumes which he claims is nothing. When you see him with a different girl he’ll be quick to tell you that it’s his great grand sister’s niece. Well, unless you’re ready to be fighting with different girls everyday he’s definitely not the man to say yes to.

So ladies while you’re having fun this festive season and making yourself available for Mr. Right to find be yourself, remain steadfast and remember these 5 guys you must never say yes to.

Dare to be yourself…

Femmetotale

 

 

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How to get the girl of your dreams II

I started a post yesterday on how to get the girl of your dreams. If you missed it then here’s your chance to get the background to this continuation. You can click here to read it. I’ve got my go-ahead so now I can start *rubbin my hands in glee*. Remember that this post is not about giving you secret tips on how to get any girl you desire. It’s about getting the girl you deserve so before you take the first step, carefully analyze yourself to see if she is someone you deserve and save yourself the stress. I’m not going to tell you who you deserve. It is entirely your place to decide. So if you decide that she’s a girl you deserve then these few tips should enable you to make the right move. Enjoy!

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So, you’ve seen that girl of your dreams and you don’t want to miss the chance to get her to say yes to you. Here are a few simple tips on how to get the girl you want. Ladies, do I have your permission to reveal some of our secrets? Okay, so I’ll just dish out a few of them and if my girls let me then I’ll dish out more.

Getting a girl is very much like going for a job interview. You know when you are called for an interview in a company where you know that once you get that job you are made for life, you try to put in your best to get it. If that girl you want is really important to you then you have to make the best effort

#1. Prepare yourself well: Nobody goes for an interview unprepared, looking like something a cat dragged out of a bottle (not unless your father is the owner of the company and the interview is just a formality or you’re Will Smith in The Pursuit of Happiness and you’re so intelligent that they won’t mind how you look). You must remember that women respond not only to how you look but also to how they perceive you (I’m not really referring to smell). There has to be an aura around you that can tell them who you are before you say a word. A girl always knows which man to give two seconds of her time, I mean enough time to say “please I’m in a hurry” and who to pay attention to. You mustn’t drive a hot car before you can get a girl you like. You just have to be able to package yourself very well. So how do you prepare yourself? That means that you should always dress well and smell nice. Develop yourself as much as you can by reading books and following world events. Many girls these days are not just educated but intelligent. Remember that to get a girl interested in you, you must show her that there is something in you that she needs.

#2. First impressions matter: They say that first impressions matter and you may never get a second chance to make a good first impression. This means that you have to utilize the best chance you have. You may meet the girl of your dreams walking along the road and choose to take your chance. You may, on the other hand, observe her for a while and take your time. Whichever option you have, you must remember that you have to put your best foot forward at the right time. The best way to make a good first impression is to use a great punch line! If you have been on an interview panel before then you’ll know that the candidate you never forget is the one that started his answer with a good punch line.  For instance, you could walk up to her, smile and say, “Here you are. We’ve been searching for you!” She’s bound to say, “Excuse me?” or “Sorry?” At which time you now say, “I heard there’s an Angel missing in heaven and we’ve been searching for you everywhere.” Okay, that was just for fun 😀 but that has definitely got to make her smile except if she’s just a difficult person or she’s in a sour mood. Even if her response is not what you expected, don’t worry, that’s your chance to tell her your name. Find something to compliment about her. It may be her hair, her smile or her dressing. Girls go to a great length to dress up and would really like to know that someone appreciates their effort. You can find out her name and if she’s a student or she’s working. Say something witty that will make her remember your name. Remember that you should be smiling. Girls, like babies respond to sincere smiles and it will keep her at ease. Don’t linger, ask her for her number and tell her you will call her later because there’s somewhere you really need to be. That will get her curious about you.

Also, don’t forget that getting a girl you like is pretty much the same as making friends. You have to master the art of making friends by learning to make good conversations. You need to be able to strike up conversations confidently and make sure you say something positive. People tend to remember the negative things faster.

Bear in mind that most girls play hard to get so don’t always expect to get a very positive response. However, if you’re really interested in getting it right then you should make a good effort.

Look out for this column on Femmetotale for more tips on how to get the girl of your dreams.

Stay blessed.

Femmetotale.

So you’re a divalicious diva…so what?

black_diva

Talk about being in the spotlight, you’re that charming lady who’s always the centre of attention. Your hair is always perfect, you diction is just right and when you walk by everybody stops in their tracks to watch you. Your grades are impeccable, you always look so chic and even those that say they hate you feel flattered when you stop to talk to them. In one word, you’re a diva and you know it.

You’re that girl everybody wants to be like. You can get away with just about anything. When you tell lurid jokes everybody laughs and when you say that something is not good enough then that’s exactly what it is. People clamour to be friends with you and the select few that are allowed to roll with you are the envy of others. In the school of public opinion, you’re the hottest girl around. Everything about you is just on point. You’re beauty and brains. They say God must have been partial to you. They say you’re beautiful and vain but you shrug and say it’s not your fault God made you that way.

Yes, he did make you that way and then gave you a well sculptured nose for you to look down on people you believe you’re better than. He probably also made you smarter than everyone else, made you the prettiest and on top of that gave you the diva complex you now walk around with because you deserve it.

For you, everything is perfect. You’re living the perfect life or so everyone thinks because when the chips are down and the lights are out you crawl into bed and realize you are all alone. You’re that vulnerable little girl, hoping to have a friend who loves you for you and not for the facade you portray to the world. You know within you that you’re far from perfect and you’re battling with the same insecurities everyone else has. But then, that’s just for the night cos the next morning, you’ll be up again, smiling like an Arabian princess and making people question God for not making them you.

So you’re like the most beautiful girl God created in your generation and you think that’s enough? There’s only one thing that can truly make your beauty last. Charm can mislead and beauty soon fades. The woman to be admired and praised is the woman who lives in the Fear-of-GOD. Give her everything she deserves! Festoon her life with praises! Prov. 31:30 (MSG). So you want to be a divalicious diva… Be the God-kind of diva?

Femmetotale

 

Quarter Past One

quarter past one

Do you know the meaning of the slang, ‘quarter past one?’ Before you read this post, first you must note that this is not an adaptation of any Nollywood movie but someone’s real experience. Real names are withheld for the privacy of the characters.

Hannah was in no way prepared for the sight that greeted her eyes when she got home one evening after a long day at work. A lady was sitting on Hannah’s sofa, watching TV. As soon as Hannah opened the door the lady got up and said, ‘hi honey,’ before she realised that her company was not who she was expecting. This made Hannah uneasy? Something just wasn’t right.

‘How can I help you?’ The lady asked Hannah who was now confused.

Hannah’s first impulse was to look around her, at the door and at the keys in her hand, wondering if her keys had opened the wrong apartment door. She ignored the nagging unease she felt and asked, ‘are you Frank’s cousin?’

The woman laughed and said, ‘it’s funny but I was about to ask you the same thing.’ She had an accent that Hannah could not quite put her finger on its origin.

Hannah blinked hard. The woman was obviously in the early stages of madness. Very slowly Hannah said to her, ‘my name is Hannah and this is my house. I live here with my husband, Frank. May I know who you are?’

The smile slowly disappeared from the woman’s face and she sat down on the same sofa she had been lying down on. ‘I’m Lola and Frank is my husband. There must be a mistake somewhere.’

Hannah also sat on the nearest sofa. Though tempted to believe that someone was playing a cruel joke on her, the look on the woman’s face was enough to tell her it was no joke. She laughed anyway. ‘You’re joking, right? Frank and I got married in church here in Lagos two years ago and we have been together since then.

‘Well, Frank and I also wedded in a church in Dallas, Texas in February two years ago and I have a daughter, Cathy to show for it,’ Lola said.

‘What?’ Hannah laughed nervously. ‘This must be a joke right? My daughter’s name is Catherine.’ But deep down inside, Hannah knew it was no joke. The month her husband spent in the United States with only a few calls to his newly wedded wife and excuses of being too busy at the training his company had sent him to the US for, was beginning to make sense to her.

‘Frank and I had dated for a while when he came for his company’s project in the US and we planned to get married but he stopped calling me for some months and I was devastated. He had always told me that his mother wanted him to marry a Nigerian and since I’m from Kenya, I thought he had left for good but then he came back and told me he loved me and wanted to marry me. We got married in my church and he came back to Nigeria. Since then we’ve seen each other a number of times. I didn’t hear from Frank for a couple of months and I was worried. His phone’s been switched off. I was able to trace his address through a friend at the embassy and I thought I would surprise him. Little did I know that I was the one in for a surprise. I saw the keys under the flower pot in front of the front door. Frank and I always keep a spare key in the same place in our house at Dallas. Are you telling me that Frank was already married to you and he still came to marry me? Why would he do such a thing? He doesn’t even need a Green card. He’s a citizen!

Both Hannah and Lola stared at each other in silent rage. Each was lost in her own thoughts, wishing she could wake up from the nightmare.

Hannah’s sister chose that moment to come upstairs with Catherine, Hannah’s daughter. Hannah forced a smile at her daughter while seething inwardly, regretting the day she met Frank. Just a couple of years earlier, she had been a single lady with only thoughts of getting married. Therefore, when her aunt referred Frank, a comfortable man working with an oil firm in Lagos to her, it was like a dream come true for Hannah. All she could think about now, was the shame and ridicule she would face if the story got out and the pain of Frank’s betrayal. In that moment, Hannah hated Frank more than anything in the world. She thought about packing her belongings and returning to her father’s house immediately but almost wept at the thought of becoming a quarter past one, after leaving singlehood for two years. Being single was difficult enough but being quarter past one…Hannah couldn’t think of any sentence worse than that.

What would you do if you were in Hannah’s shoes?

Femmetotale

Menscapade

Memoirs of a single christian chic…

Is it the computer or jet age thingy or the fact that everything has just changed, or the world coming to an end or what?

First of all, take a long hard look at this picture and please don’t laugh too much!

crazy guys
Yes oh! Guys are now sooo into the sagging/drop waist fashion. It is no longer for women only. Anyway, that is not what my post is about. I’m just getting your mind ready for it. The fact is that the world is radically different from what it was a decade ago. And I’m not just talking about science and technology. I’m talking about the human components themselves. Societies have changed, people have changed, even culture has evolved. Things have really changed. What was unheard of in the past is now normal. Hmm….men and their menscapades. I mean…just take another look at that picture.

Ok, down to the juicy part, this single chic decided to go on a little field trip, step out of her comfort zone and embark on some menscapades. Still trying to figure out what that means??? Abeg no fall my hand…just separate the two words – men and escapades…get the meaning now? Anyway, I’ve always lived a simple christian life, letting people know who I am…a serious don’t-mess-around-chic who’s got values and principles. Recently, I decided to loosen up a bit you know, do all the colour blocking, gum chewing, batting of false eyelashes and tomato red lips thingy. Hehehehehe… those that know me are seriously wondering how true it is, just wait till you hear the menscapade part before your eyes get wider than saucepans and don’t ask me if it was one of my new year resolutions. Okay, as part of the loosening up, I decided to start smiling at everybody that says hello to me…yea normal chics do that right? Anyways, the result was alarming and gave me the inspiration for this topic. I shudder as I write this and I’m tempted to say men…tufiakwa! You mean things like this happen in the world?

black-man-cheating

Ok, the gist… A man walked into my colleague’s office while I was using his computer and I offered him a seat to await my colleague’s return from lunch. It was all good at first and while I was pretending to be very busy (though I was in fact playing zuma…my favourite game), he started chatting with me. Well, I smiled politely and answered him each time. Then he asked for my number and I gave it to him. I saw the look, I had my suspicion but I decided to ignore it, after all it was supposed to be official. In fact I forgot all about it until later that evening when I received a call from him. He started rambling about how he saw me and decided that I was just right for him and he would like to have me. Na normal gist abi? Wait for it…

Trust me, maybe it is my training but I always like to not assume things so I had to ask…’You want to have me? Exactly what do you mean?’ And he said, ‘you know now…you are a matured lady. I just want you to come to my house let us have fun together. Don’t worry, I will treat you very well and do wonderful things to you, you will enjoy me.’

WHAT! Ding…ding…ding…ding…this one no be laughing matter oh. I can just imagine my sister shouting ‘Holy Ghost ei! You mean men are becoming this bold? That brought me to the next question, ‘Ah! Ah! Are you not a married man sir?’ (Yea, now you know why this is making headlines) And he said, ‘forget about that one. That is not the issue. The fact is that I am lonely and I need you to help me. Please just do this thing for me…I can’t wait to have you…I promise you will enjoy me…I will take care of you’. So, politely, I said to him, ‘I’m sorry sir but I’m not that kind of girl. I am decent and I do not indulge in such.’ And he said, ‘I know. That is why I want you. I don’t want all these girls that are available, offering themselves to me. You are very decent and that is why I want you.’ My mouth was just as agape as yours.

Is someone wondering why I was still on the phone for close to an hour with him? Well, I guess I may have been in too much shock. In fact my fingers were numb and I only revived them long enough to put it on mute and activate the speakerphone. It had the desired effect cos he kept cutting the line himself, calling back and apologizing for the network failure to my amusement.

I’m still shaking my head in disbelief. I say the world is coming to an end oh! This man was not even deterred by my decent dressing that day and by decent I mean I was wearing a three-quarters long black skirt and a pink long-sleeved shirt, decent but nice. It was quite disturbing to me. I don’t know whether it was the fact that he was not interested in honouring the life-long contract he signed up for with his wife or the boldness with which he stated his purpose that was more alarming. All I could think about was the wife somewhere raising their kids.

I guess I may have to delete the whole smiling and being nice thing from my new year resolutions. At least I would be saving myself a lot of headaches. How do the ‘aristos‘ manage abeg? Anyway, end of story…I cut him off on his second sentence when he called he the next day with, ‘I’m sorry sir but I have told you that I am not interested in any form of relationship with you. I will appreciate it if you don’t ever call my number again with such a proposition!’ (in my meanest voice) Chikina! It was that simple. That was the end of it!

NB: Do you have your own menscapades that you are willing to share? Please do so, let’s laugh along with you…lol

femmetotale…