For Single Ladies: 5 men you must never say yes to!

I feel pretty nostalgic writing this post especially at this time of the year when single ladies everywhere are busy getting their groves on, searching for their Mr. Right. In this part of the world, this festive season everyone knows how common it is for girls to look prettier than KimK herself, wear exotic hairstyles and expensive dresses just to get all the attention and who knows they just might get one moneybag straight from Yankee with enough dough to sponsor a celebrity Introduction/Traditional Wine-carrying ceremony, all before the year comes to an end. I mean, I’m sitting here with a mischievous smile on my face thinking of stuff I’d probably have been doing right now while appearing to be celebrating Christmas and the end of the year along with everyone else. Yeah, I’m out of that stage now and with the benefit of hindsight and of course experience I can easily write stuff like this.

Ok, so you are getting all the attention you craved for when you were fixing your expensive hair but here’s a list of the 5 men you must not say yes to this season.

2. Vain Vincent: This is the type of guy that is basically in love with mirrors. He stops to check out his reflection whenever you pass by a mirror or a glass door. His beard is always neatly groomed, his clothes impeccable, his sunshades designers and on his neck a gold chain. He’s always asking you, “how do I look?” and never pays you a compliment no matter how beautiful you look. It’s almost as if he’s the female in the relationship and he’s not even gay, he’s just vain. If you’re looking for a man to say yes to this season, Vain Vincent is certainly not that guy. You’re probably going to spend the rest of your life telling him how cute he is and not expect him to tell you how cute you are too. Not only that you should also expect that your family budget will project a higher amount for his clothes and accessories than your feeding!

2. Brutish Bamidele: This one is certainly the kind of guy you shouldn’t say yes to unless you are skilled in martial arts and you probably have a black belt. He’s always violent, always has a pack of cigarettes in his car, quarrels with keke drivers on the way, always reeks of alcohol, never concedes an argument no matter how wrong he is, says things like “women talk too much… they deserved to be thrashed to keep them in their place”, calls his mother a whore, verbally abuses his sisters and is so possessive when it comes to you that he’s ready to beat up any guy he sees hanging around you. Of course when he’s with you, he’s generally nice, pays you compliments and treats you like you are the centre of his world. He tells you all other women are sluts and you are so different. He tells you he cannot live without you and buys you beautiful gifts. Once in a while he hits you when he’s angry and tells you it is your fault for getting him angry. Then he buys you gifts and begs you not to leave him or he will surely die. Brutish Bamidele is a brute in every sense of the word and you are not the one to tame him if his mother couldn’t. Stop giving yourself stupid reasons for considering saying yes to him unless you don’t mind sentencing yourself to a lifetime of abuse.

3. Egoistic Emeka: If there is anyone you should avoid saying yes to then it is Egoistic Emeka. He’s the guy that believes everything should revolve around him. He’s only happy when the discussion is about him. He’s not really vain he just has a big ego. He’s very self-centered and doesn’t mind how much he’s going to inconvenience you just to have his needs met. He’s only in a good mood when you praise him, talks about his dreams and achievements without paying a listening ear to yours, becomes angry whenever you receive a commendation or award at work, is extremely competitive and doesn’t mind keeping you awake through the night complaining about his colleague at work who seems to have an edge over him, dominates every conversation with tales of his prowess, remains moody when you get something he desires until you hand it over to him and sulks when he doesn’t get his way. If you are in a relationship with Egoistic Emeka then you should think of calling it quits now before it is too late unless you don’t mind stroking someone’s ego for the rest of your life. Men generally have big egos but when it is such that he is highly insecure then it is very unhealthy and will pose issues for you in the future.

4. Inconsistent Ignatius: This one never holds down a job. He has great dreams and thinks his bosses are all worthless and if he were to see just one million naira he’ll start up his dream business and in no time they will be calling him “Sir”. He always knows how best things should be done, speaks articulately, has dreams of grandeur and talks about how much money he’s going to have soon without ever working hard at anything. He has very bad money habits, keeps borrowing money from you and can even gamble with his last dime. He’s always optimistic about how much he’s going to make from an imaginary deal and yet never achieves anything. His dreams change every now and then. Today he’s so sure he wants to own a computer center and tomorrow he wants to be a footballer. He let’s you pay for everything you do together, cabs, dinners and even recharge cards. Unless you’re ready to be the one to foot all the bills in that relationship and be the breadwinner when you get married you have no business dating a guy like Inconsistent Ignatius.

5. Slutty Sule: Ok I know the word slutty is normally used to describe lose females but there are some guys that flirt so much that they deserve to be called sluts. Slutty Sule is the typical nice guy. He knows exactly how to please a lady. He buys you gifts, sends romantic text messages, leaves roses at your doorstep, opens the car door for you to enter, pulls out the seat for you when you go out and gives a listening ear when you are speaking. On the face of it, Slutty Sule seems to be the perfect guy but something tells you that you’re not the only woman in his life. One minute he’s telling you how much he loves you and wants to spend the rest of his life with you and the next he’s staring at one yellow paw-paw that struts past him never mind that she may not even be as pretty as you. He’s always carefully guarding his phone, answering calls from different girls and smelling of different feminine perfumes which he claims is nothing. When you see him with a different girl he’ll be quick to tell you that it’s his great grand sister’s niece. Well, unless you’re ready to be fighting with different girls everyday he’s definitely not the man to say yes to.

So ladies while you’re having fun this festive season and making yourself available for Mr. Right to find be yourself, remain steadfast and remember these 5 guys you must never say yes to.

Dare to be yourself…

Femmetotale

 

 

Beauty and the Bachelorettes

It’s one of the greatest themes in the history of romance. Talk about the fairy tales, village romance and even in the bible you will find this same theme running through most stories. Check every romance story you can find. There’s always one bachelor and several bachelorettes competing for his love. At the end, one lucky damsel gets to be the chosen bride and receives the crown as his princess or queen. It is as though it is commonly accepted that many girls should compete for the love of one man. Hmm…

We definitely accepted it when Esther became part of the biblical beauty contest that saw her being made to undergo all kinds of beauty regimens to prepare her for a night with the King. I remember smiling in excitement as an aunt recounted to me tales about a man who had just returned from the US to find a wife while she was in the village. She, as well as almost all the girls in the village took special care dressing up and decorating themselves after which they took gifts just to present themselves to the family of the man. They would walk briskly to the house only to slow down once in front of the house and walk with slow unhurried steps, hoping to catch a glimpse of him (this part I only heard because I was eavesdropping while she told another aunt about it) and then they would flash him their most pretty smiles as they left.

Did their plans work? Well, it certainly did. There were a select few who were lucky to be invited inside to see him. They were so excited and lost no time in rubbing it in the faces of those that were not selected. So who finally got him? I hear you ask. Well, I do not know who the lucky bachelorette that got him was but I do know that not long after that a story broke out that the handsome ‘prince’ all the girls were gunning for was a man who committed a crime in the US and escaped to Nigeria to hide in the village. Sounds like a Nollywood movie, right? Lol… it really did happen.

I wonder how all those beautiful bachelorettes that wouldn’t give the local men around them any attention must have felt when the story broke out. Were they ashamed to show their faces in public after that or did they go about their normal activities? Why do ladies enjoy going for the obvious ones who they have to compete with everyone else to get and possibly still have to compete to keep for the rest of their lives?

I may not know the recipe for getting a perfect relationship but I do know that if you have to compete for the love of one man then that is a recipe for disaster. The woman should be the prize God rewards a man with. Eve did not have to compete with several other Eves for Adam’s love. They were simply made for each other. If you have to compete for his love now then just get ready to compete for the rest of your life. This is not a fairy tale. Fairy tales always end with happily ever after but in real life there’s no ever after. There’s many years of more competition jumping in every now and then. So I say, lady don’t focus on winning the competition, go where you are the prize to be won.

Have a pleasant weekend

Femmetotale

Olivia Wants Some More

Part of the defining moments of my childhood were the days I got to read books that were literally bigger than me. Each page I turned, each word I read, each new story I started gave an extra surge to my excitement because I could finally prove to myself that I was able to do something other people my age couldn’t do. Umhmm, that’s right cos while my mates were reading Cinderella, Snow White and Little Red Riding hood, I was sitting in some quiet corner of the house with big books like David Copperfield or Mayor of Casterbridge propped up somewhere between my shoulder and my palm to reduce the weight of them books. Little wonder I rarely got in the middle of childhood mischief… everybody always knew where to find me (lucky people my parents were).

Anyway, so the phrase, ‘Oliver wants some more’ was generally popular in my childhood. As a matter of fact, if nobody ever made a face at you and called you Oliver Twist in Secondary school then your childhood wasn’t fun 😀 Wondering what I’m going on about? Come on… Oliver Twist was and still is quite a popular book. Even if you never read the big version like I did, you must have read a condensed copy of that bestseller by Charles Dickens. Oliver Twist was an orphan who grew up in a ‘baby farm’ (more like an orphanage now). Around the time of his ninth birthday, he was taken to work along with other kids in a workhouse with very little food. One day, the desperately hungry boys decided to draw lots after which the loser must ask for another portion of food. The task fell to Oliver, who at the next meal tremblingly came forward, bowl in hand, and begged their master, Mr. Bumble for gruel with his famous request: “Please, sir, I want some more”. You can guess what happened next.

That story was set in the 19^th Century but as far as we know, Oliver and Olivia Twists have existed since the beginning of the world and still do exist. The world is filled with people who are hardly ever satisfied. One persistent thought we all have in our minds borders on getting more. We attach our happiness to the satisfaction of our immediate needs. We often think, “If I could just get more money, if I could just get that dream job, if I could just get that nice apartment then perhaps I’ll be truly happy. For the Olivias in the world, it’s always, “If I could just get some more designer clothes, some new shoes, more boobs, nicer legs, gap tooth, pretty eyes, long hair or cuter lips… then maybe I’ll be truly happy.”

Is happiness really tied to how much we have? Can anybody ever have so much that the need for more would be eliminated?  As a matter of fact, everyone has feelings of inadequacy because we were not created to be perfect. Our idea of perfection is a far cry from what God views as perfection. Why else would God create the world and after taking a careful look at all he had made, take a deep breath and say that it was good. That means we are part of his perfect creation, no matter how imperfect we think we are. A wise man once said to me that the way you are is perfectly suited for God’s purpose for you. An Olivia would never be satisfied even if she had everything. There will always be a desire for more. The secret to happiness is finding contentment in the present while patiently working towards your goal.

Whenever you start to act like an Olivia, it’s best to remind yourself that you are unique and adequately created to be the best you can be.

Keep being complete!

Femmetotale

PS: Sorry for the long silence. You’d think that going away on a vacation would give me ample time to write but for some reason I probably fed so fat on fun that I didn’t remember what gave me the most fun anymore. By the way, a big shout out to Ijeoma who gave me the inspiration for this post. Have a blessed week.

Eat Your Cake and Have It – A Fa+b Chick’s Fitness Tale

Before I start this post, first I’d like to give a big shout out to all the fabulous big girls out there. This post should inspire you to be the best you you want to be. That said, let’s go!

Do you ever do sleepovers? You know those nights of fun spent with a couple of your girlfriends, gisting, laughing, and acting like there’s no care in the world. Sleepovers are for little girls you say but it’s even more fun as grownups. That’s right! Me and my girls, Lanie and Jay planned a sleepover at Lanie’s house. We went to the movies during the day with her two sisters, all five fine chicks 😉 in Lanie’s sister’s car, came home at 8, stayed up till late at night, talking about everything and nothing as long as we were having fun.

 

Now, if I ever have to stay up late gisting then I’ll have to have fuel on standby and by fuel I mean cakes, ice cream and drinks 😀 *hehehehe*. Lanie had all that in the fridge, including this delicious bread with a fresh out-of-the-oven aroma. Umm…. you’d jump right at it too if you were in my shoes. I had so much fun that night. If the number of times you laugh in a day could add a kilogram to your weight, I would have attained my dream weight that night. Wondering if you heard me right? Lol… you see, I’ve always been that chick that only adds half a kilogram in one year. And down here in Africa, if you don’t have ‘meat’ on your bones, you’ll always have a lot of explaining to do when you meet relatives. So, I’m trying to put on weight to reduce the ‘explaining’lol.

Jay and I have always been the slim chicks while Lanie is the chubby chick. We were childhood friends and Lanie had always been the chubby one for as long as I can remember. The fascinating thing about Lanie is that Lanie is the definition of the word, FAB. She was fat and bubbly. Her effervescence is highly contagious. She has always had a fun and positive way of seeing things, an easy way of explaining difficult situations, and generally had a bubbly attitude to life. You’d never see Lanie down for one moment, not even if she was sick. One amazing thing about Lanie is that she loves herself. You could have the stunning figure of Salma Hayek, the sultry look of Angelina Jolie and be as attractive as Catherine Zeta Jones. To Lanie, she’s got all that and more. Most of all, Lanie’s got a big heart with so much love to share.

I hadn’t seen Lanie for quite a while until the sleepover. You can imagine my surprise when we saw a slim and even more fabulous version of Lanie that day. My mouth was wide open in amazement and I couldn’t help asking how she did it. “Exercise and dieting,” she said, “don’t worry, I’ll tell you about it and tomorrow morning, you all are exercising with me. It’s so much fun!” Hmm… she dished it all out to me and like I always say, you best hear from the horse’s mouth. Here’s how Lanie did it. My words are in bold italics.

Femmetotale: You’ve always been on the big side, Lanie, so what prompted you to lose weight? Was there a defining moment that made you take that big decision? Did you do it because of anybody?

Lanie: Well, I started working out the day I walked into a pharmacy and checked my weight. I weighed 87 kg!!! I am not a tall chick so for my 5 feet 2 inches frame that’s obesity. I absolutely didn’t do it for anybody. I did it for me because I love me! I believe that anyone that loves you should love you big, fat or slim. If anyone has to attach a condition to their love for you then that’s not real love.

Femmetotale: What’s the secret to losing weight and how did you do it?

Lanie: There’s no big secret oh. Just exercise and eat right. See, I didn’t say diet. Eat right because you are changing your life and please be patient. You can’t change overnight. I am patient with losing weight. I don’t even know how much I weigh now. I have been 68 kg for a long time. I wanna lose yeah but I’m not in a hurry.

Femmetotale: Is there a good way and a bad way of losing weight

Lanie: Of course. I tried using pills which worked but always left me feeling tired and I was looking sick after that plus I added all the weight back plus more. Exercise and eating right is just it. The best thing about it is that not only will you shed the weight but your skin will also glow! I have tried all the types ooh. I took pills and lost weight but girl Exercise and eating right is it.

Femmetotale: Did you get any help or encouragement along your fitness journey?

Lanie: Yeah my sisters and friends were encouraging. But my biggest motivator really was the girl in the mirror (me)… Lol

Femmetotale: Tell us about dieting. How difficult is it really? I remember you had cakes, ice cream and bread at home that night but you never touched any. Does it require discipline?

Lanie: NO has to be your favourite word. It’s not easy… I swear! I just try to keep things that are healthy and sweet in the fridge so I can reach for them instead. You remember I made this delicious avocado and lime spread the morning after you slept over in my house? (umm yea… yummy! Now you’re making me salivate. I ate it with that fresh-out-of-the-bakery bread!). The best thing is to plan your weekly meal so you won’t have any excuse not to eat right.

Femmetotale: Do you have to continue your exercise and dieting for the rest of your life to keep looking this fabulous or is there a time frame?

Lanie: Exercise, yeah. Everyone should exercise. Human beings were created to move. I read somewhere that the ancient man would chase an animal till the animal became tired and he would catch it. This office work thing is a recent development and it keeps us stationary. We were made to move and our bodies work better with exercise and the right food. If you work out and eat healthy you will have energy and motivation naturally… no need for energy drinks or soda.

Femmetotale: What’s your advice to all the other big chicks out there that would want to be like you?

Lanie: My advice is, LOVE YOURSELF! I love me… slim, large or fat. It’s the love I have for myself that made me decide to change my life. Self love is the most important thing.

Thanks Lanie, for sharing these inspirational tidbits! If I ever add more weight than I intend to I’m calling you right away!

Hope you’ve all been inspired by Lanie’s tale. To learn more about fitness from Lanie, you can join her on The Happy Woman’s Corner on facebook or follow her fitness handle on twitter @9jafitness.

PS: You could be the next Femmestar! If you have any inspirational story to share just hola on twitter @lafemmetotale or send a mail to alicia_davids@yahoo.com

Cheers!

Femmetotale

My Sweet Tooth

I have a sweet tooth. I’m so addicted to sweet things that I’ve contemplated adding sugar to my cooking a good number of times. Lol. There’s just something richly pleasurable about eating something sweet. It can wipe off stress and keep you feeling euphoric. So imagine my excitement when I went downstairs some time before my lunch break to buy drinking water and I happened upon this young lady selling a batch of cupcakes. I stole glances at first and looked away each time. I wasn’t going to be tempted. I had made up my mind to cut down on my sugar intake. Finally, I decided to give in to temptation and pick one… just one 😀

Ok, before you start judging my ability to maintain my resolutions and my level of restraint, you must know one thing. The aroma of those chocolate cupcakes was absolutely tantalizing. I just had to taste one to know if it tasted as good as it looked.  And…. oh my!!! I can’t tell you how good it tasted. You can only judge for yourself after you’ve had a taste too. 😉

While I ate my delicious cake, I wondered how it was made. You see, I consider myself a good cook and each time I see something nice, I try to figure out how it was made. If it happens to be something I can’t figure out then I may go and ask someone who knows. Sweet tooth like me, I learnt to make cakes early enough. I was a curious and inquisitive little girl.

Everybody has that aunt who always claims to know how to cook everything on earth, right? Well, I do and I often ask her whenever I try to make something new and run into difficulty. I remember asking her about making chocolate cakes once.

“That’s easy,” she said, “All you have to do is mix the paste like I taught you and add bournvita or milo to it.”  I nodded in understanding. It seemed very easy.

Ok, I’m sure you all know what bournvita is so I don’t need to explain. Suffice it to say that I spent many years believing that once you add bournvita to cake mixture then you have your chocolate cake ready. I had my doubts but I never really tried to find out if it was true or not. I didn’t try it though and it never occurred to me that there was actually something called cocoa powder which you add to the cake mixture to produce that effect.

It’s years after and I’m sitting here, eating my cupcakes and wondering what other numerous things I accepted as truth in my childhood and have never quite unlearned even as an adult. You see, we human beings have a way of holding on tightly to the things people have told us in the past. I suppose the brain stores certain information from childhood that are very difficult to discard even at maturity. Just because our parents told us that people from a certain area are not to be trusted we accept it as a fact that cannot be changed. We have seen wars fought for years on end just because of half-truths told by our forefathers. We have seen hate established as culture and dehumanizing practices we refuse to let go of because our parents ingrained them in us. All hatred, racism, intolerance, ethnicism, prejudice and untold conflicts arise because of facts we accepted as truth without verification.

Religion is not left out of the list. Have you ever tried to question your beliefs? No doubt you were told as a child that some questions are best left unanswered. That’s true! We may never figure everything out but have you ever tried to juxtapose some of the things you accept to be true with reason. If a ‘man of God’ asks you to do something, do you as a human being pass it through the rational part of your brain or do you accept everything hook, line and sinker? It’s is alarming to hear of ladies being asked to come to church without their underwear to enable the Holy Spirit free entry. Which Holy Spirit, biko? Is it still the one that we call Holy?

They say you should drop your educational qualifications and degrees when you come to church. Really? Do you know how knowledgeable and wise Solomon was? Was that wisdom not given to him by God for good purpose? Why then should you as a Christian decide to drop your ability to reason and make deductions which is what education does for you just because you are a Christian? Even God gives us room to reason with him. He says, “Come now let us reason together. Though your sins be as scarlet. They shall be white as snow.” I always encourage people to ask God to reveal his truth directly to them. Moreover His word is there to guide you. Anything that seems unscriptural to you, no matter how wonderful it sounds should be discarded.

You want to be the Femmetotale? Start filtering information and verifying things before you accept them as truth. Filter the dogmas your culture and family have ingrained in you and be the God-kind of woman. In the mean time, let me finish my delicious cupcakes and please stop salivating. Thou shall not covet thy neighbour’s cakes, remember… lol!

Femmetotale